It's a good day

I wrote this a few weeks ago and just haven't published it.  I've had lots of moments being pushed to my max, lots of moments of clarity, lots of moments for reflection.  I'm grateful for experiences that extend out of my comfort zone, for that is only how growth occurs.  Life is hard.  And it should be...




Last night I reflected on how hard my day was...
and I went to bed looking at NieNie show a picture of her scarred and fragile hand in an instagram pic saying she was getting it lazered and it was quite painful.  She has to mother 5 little children with these hands every day and the other uncounted scars and constant pain from all of her surgeries.  I can not imagine the daily struggles she encounters.
I went to bed seeing a picture of a mother who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with a horrible birth defect where part of his brain was missing and some of it was on the outside of his skull.  She held him in her arms knowing death was surely imminent while she clung to every breath he produced.
I went to bed reading about my friend and the strength she possesses day in and day out, and how over the last 18 months she's only known life for her baby in a hospital bed.  Endless tests, surgeries and constant worries as she watches the love of her and her husbands life struggle to keep his.
His story has recently been covered here: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=29113252&nid=157&title=3-d-printer-saves-toddler-struggling-to-breathe

I can't imagine dealing with some of the stresses that people have.  And here I sit and complain about my day, and rags being thrown on the floor.  How selfish.  How selfish am I.

Landon was gone last week from Thurs-Sunday night.  Then Monday and Tuesday were snow days.  It's been a long week and I'm sitting here reflecting on the good and the bad of it.  There were some really low points for me and some really good break through's.

Monday was a really bad day (at least that's what I conjured up somehow).  I was at my breaking point.  I was so ready for the kids to go to school and have a little breather since it had been a long weekend with dad gone.  My mindset didn't change very well when I found out school was cancelled and I was tired and ornery.  One thing after another happened and the frustrations just kept building up.
The kids were fighting more than they got along.  I had 4 legs...Bryelle is CONSTANTLY in between my legs holding on for dear life.  It's super cute but sometimes very inconvenient and hard to walk!  She is so hard to feed and is so picky.  Then when she does eat she makes huge messes.  She bonked her head probably 5 times on the corners of drawers throughout the day when I pull them out for silverware or rags.  Then she cried so hard she threw up.  ALL OVER.  And A LOT. All the while I deal with Bryelle, Kambrie is getting into things and making messes.  She got out finger nail polish, paint, my make-up, play dough...anything that makes a mess, she loves to play with.  She doesn't know how to sit quietly and watch a movie or play with dolls anymore.  I love her to pieces but she is draining.  Tanner is constantly talking.  he.doesnt.stop.  Yes, its cute, some of the time, and some of the time I want to rip my ears off.  He can be such a huge help, but when he gets hyper and thinks it's funny bugging his sisters I want to lose my mind.  Three against one is not fun and I'm already tired all day long just because who knows why, that I can barely manage three HAPPY kids so some days feel like an eternity of chaos and frustration.
Needless to say, my patience was thin and I felt completely defeated by the end of the night.
Dad didn't get home until 7 and it takes every thing in my power not to run and hide when he steps foot in the door.

Sometimes I wonder if Landon's work hours are worth it?  Are they worth the sacrifice we have to make?  Is it worth it living so far from family for this job?  There are times I feel soooo alone.  There are times I feel like a single mom and I never envisioned it like this.
Sometimes I wonder why we left Utah where our family was.
Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to work so I can have some space between my kids and maybe that will make me a better mother.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it...am I really cut out for this mom biz?
Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are just too much.
Sometimes I wonder why no one EVER told me just how stinkin hard motherhood REALLY is.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the one making it so hard for myself.

I love A-HA! moments.  I'm constantly seeking for them.  I desire learning and growth.  I know I don't manifest the potential that God has given me.  Daily I succumb to the natural man and desires, and let my selfishness override.  It takes daily focus and preparation if I want to invite the Spirit in my life and seek His guidance.  I don't know why I don't always prioritize that.  But when I do, it is life changing!!  I've really tried hard this year to actually FEAST upon the words of the scriptures.  I have never done that in my life, regretfully.  And I can say that when I do, I see the world differently.  My days aren't perfect, but my perspective is clear and my mood changes, my actions change, and even my thought processes are heightened.

So all the while I'm having this crappy day, in the back of my head I'm telling myself to change my thoughts.  Stop being a victim and chill out!  Obviously, easier said than done.  When I tell myself, okay I'll be patient, and I turn around and Bryelle has pulled out every dish towel and rag and thrown them on the floor it's no big deal, right!?  But when a surprise happens with every twist and turn of my body, it gets frustrating and I forget the "no big deal" idea and it all surmounts to exhaustion and it all becomes about ME...poor poor ME.  Just another mess little old ME gets to clean up.  The kids are bugging ME.

And as I started to make this realization that whenever I get upset, it's because I'm only thinking about ME and my selfishness, I felt like a fool.

I have such a blessed life.  Here I have three beautiful and healthy children that I'm complaining about.  I have a very comfortable home and all I see are the messes.
My husband is working his tail off and all I want is him to come home and rescue ME.

I felt so much anger inside when this hit me.  I felt awful.  I felt like I was a hypocrit.  All I EVER wanted was this life and now it's what consumes me.  Why do I find moments and act like it makes me unhappy?  Why do I let days like this destroy me and show such an ugly side to my children?  They deserve a patient, loving, happy and joyful mother.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for something to change.  Maybe Landon's schedule will change and he'll have better hours.  Maybe someone will call me out of the blue and want to take my kids for 4 hours and give me a breather.  Maybe's aren't promising.  Nothing is going to change.  My mom isn't here to rescue me.  Landon isn't going to be there for me every time I need him.  NO ONE is going to help me but MYSELF.  Me, myself and my attitude.

What attitude do I choose?  Doesn't matter how my day goes, I can still choose to be happy and find joy.
The funny thing amidst all this is when I start to get frustrated or feel like I need to blow some smoke QUICK, I turn on my kitchen radio.  I always have church CD's right next to it and I play them over and over.  It's pretty funny cuz my kids sometimes catch on ;)  But it truly helps me calm down and bring the spirit back.  I listen to these songs daily, but the song that started to play during this culmination of frustration had never hit before me like it did that day.

Was it ironic? or a blessing in disguise!

The song is by Hilary Weeks called "It's a good day."

I seriously started laughing when it came on, and I purposely listened a little more intently to the words this time:

"I may wake up to a sky full of sunshine, or maybe it will rain rain rain.  I may find the gas tank full or empty, either way it's okay, it doesn't change how I feel today.
Cause it's a good day, It's a good day to have a good day.  I'm reaching the sky and I'm feeling alive and I'm breathing.  So it's a good day, it's a good day to have a good good day..."


So I got my answer.  It's a GOOD DAY to have a GOOD DAY!  It's all up to ME.  Doesn't matter what happens.  I'm breathing.  I'm alive.  And it's a good day!

I'm so blessed.  Every day is a GREAT day!  I have adorable children I can't fathom living without.  I have the most incredible husband I ever thought I'd marry.  I have loving parents who continue to guide and support me.  I have fabulous friends who fill my heart with happiness.  I have awesome siblings I look up to so much.  I have health and strength, comforts and pleasures.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I could go on and on and on...
This isn't to diminish any pain or struggles we deal with, but we need to minimize them.

Reality is it's a GOOD DAY and I am oh so incredibly blessed!!