14 going on eternity...

Happy Anniversary

 

I can't believe it's been 14 years that we've been together.

Honestly every year gets better and better.

It's funny how you think you "know" someone when you get married.  To a certain extent yes it's true, but at the core of it, not really.

Especially for us, since we met and three months later were engaged,

and only 2.5 months after that married!

 

I knew I loved this man, of course, that's why I married him.

But I had no idea how TRULY incredible he was.

 

He amazes me every day.

I love him with every ounce of my being.  He makes me strive for better, helps me see the good in everyone, teaches me patience and love, and extends unconditional love to me

every second of the day.

 

I love this man.

I adore this man.

I am head over heals in love with this and only THIS man.

 

I love how he makes me laugh ALL THE TIME.  He is so gosh dang funny. 

I love his sweet texts when he occasionally has a second during his chaotic work day to tell me he's thinking of me.

I love how he is always ready to jump in to our crazy world at home the second he walks in the door.

I love the moments he has just sat and held me while I cried.  Listening.  Not trying to fix anything, but genuinely merging his heart with mine.

I love that I know "WE" are his priority.  He values our relationship and holds it sacred.

I love how he surprises me with incredible things that I wouldn't dare ask for!

 

I could go on and on...

but I just thank my Heavenly Father every day for the blessing he is in my life.

 

We played it low this year.  Had a yummy dinner at Outback and just played with the kids all night.

We're planning to play it hard next year!

 

 

 

 

I've started our HAWAII money jar and gave him some Hawaiian themed scents for his car to get him geared up.  It's going to be a long year of anticipation, but that's what makes it fun too!

 

I can hardly believe we're going to do it.  Hawaii has been on my bucket list forever!!

 

15 YEAR CELEBRATION

HAWAII HERE WE COME!!!!

growing pains

Jan 9th.

Sophie was born tonight.  We were going to name her Jordyn.  She'll go home in our car seat, but not to our home.  She'll swing in our swing, wear the cute clothes that might still hint a smell of Kambrie or Bryelle on them, but I'll never get to see her in them.
It was bitter sweet handing over mere "things" that were just baby items, yet were smothered in memories of love and happiness that ruled my world.  But she desperately needed them, and I wanted to give sweet Sophie all that I could.  Since all that was available to offer was tangible.

She's staying with her mommy and daddy.
We won't ever get the chance to hear her mutter those names to us. 
She'll never know the fierce love I could have given her.
She'll never feel the loving protection of a big brother that eagerly wanted yet another sister, even despite the yearning he continues to have for a brother.
She'll never get to play dress up or dolls with what would have been two adoring and fun loving sisters who would have made her their "third barbie musketeer!"
She'll never know the father that loves on the deepest level possible, and owns not a single ounce of selfishness but just pure Christ-like love for his children.  She would have been mesmerized with him.

My heart aches to feel the loss of what could have been.

Instead of being at the hospital witnessing the miracle of life today, and watching her first breath consume her, I get to admire from a far.  She is beautiful.  I'm so glad her mother gave her life.  I wish she could have been in ours.

But it wasn't meant to be.  And once again, the journey through adoption rears it's ugly head and steals something that was never mine in the first place.  For the second time, I traverse this path and have to let go of that hope that would have been my reality, yet remains only that...a hope, wish and a dream.

But life is about loss.  Learning to gracefully let go.  Let go of pain.  Let go of anger.  Control.  And in my case to let go of a precious life and gain something else in return.
Perspective.
Life is about holding on.  Holding on tightly to what IS yours.  Holding on to relationships.  Trust.  And love.

So as the sting penetrates tonight, I also feel relief.  And I wipe my tears with a blanket of peace.

My testimony has emerged through these pangs of hurt.  Sometimes it's in our deepest despair that we learn brighter revelations. 

This was posted to a friend of mine this week and as I read it, it just consumed my soul and brought understanding and acceptance to my heart.  I know this to be unequivocally true.

Elder Maxwell:
"(This) second estate .. is one that emphasizes experiential learning through applying, proving, and testing.
"Tests given to us here are given ... because we need to grow in order to be able to serve with full effectiveness in the eternity to come. If it's fair, it is not a trial! ... without the added presence of some inexplicableness and some irony and injustices, the experience may not stretch us or lift us sufficiently.
"The absence of major tribulation can, ironically, produce the trial of tranquility with its very grave risks of careless ease. The Lord does require a few intact individuals and families to help others manage their trials and tribulations.
"We will see that our most trying years will often have been our best years ... Gethsemane's of Growth.  One day we will praise God for taking us near to our limits."

EVERY SINGLE WORD rang true in my heart.  I know that God allows us to experience pain so we can know how glorious our joy and triumphs truly are.  I know without loss sometimes we never really know what we had/have.

I'm grateful I still get to watch Sophie "at a glance."  She's simply beautiful and I pray her life may be full of happiness and love.