Nov 4, 2012, Bryelle was born and our family was complete. I finally felt it.
We have been so blessed and are grateful for the three beautiful, talented, precious children we were privileged to bring into our family, and felt content that this is what our family would be.
We couldn't apply through LDSFS for adoption again (the rule is you can have 2 children or less), so unless something fell into our laps, we were pretty much done growing our family. I believe in miracles but don't believe we'll be one of those stories where people adopt and then get pregnant. And that's okay.
In fact, Landon and I had a good laugh about it other night. It was so refreshing to be in a place where we could share laughter instead of tears finally! We were joking about how what if we really DID get pregnant after all of this.
I said I'd be so ticked! lol.
I'm resolved with my infertility and I have no doubt in my mind that adoption is the way our children are supposed to be born to us. It's been so beautiful to witness each miracle unfold as each one of our children have been placed in our open arms.
After stashing away some of my favorite outfits of Tanner's from when he was a baby, (oh the memories and sentiment are still so fresh!) I was FINALLY ready to let go of the 5-6 bins I've been lugging around of everything that was a part of him for the last 9 years. I've been holding on to them just "in case" we had another boy that I could share these, what seem to be "mere" articles of clothing with, but are so much more than that to me. They represent so much emotion and joy that parting with them has been quite painful.
But I did it. I gave away his entire crib bedding and décor to a mother in desperate need that had nothing. I gave a bag full of adorable shoes to my friend with a new baby boy. I gave another bag of newborn items to my fabulous friend who recently had her first baby boy too. Slowly, but surely, I was letting go. Not completely though, for some reason still in the back of my mind, thinking maybe another son would/could/should come to our family. But how, I didn't know.
Then June 12th, 2013 happened.
Here is my journal entry of that day.
We just found out we have been chosen to bring another baby into our family. We weren’t searching. Instead of us asking this time, we were asked! It’s been a whirlwind of events in the last 72 hrs. Here is the crazy sequence...
It started Sunday night when Landon came home around 2pm after his High Council mtgs, and said he had news. I thought he was going to tell me he was bishop. (we've been agonizing over the possibility of that occurance very soon) Nope! Not even close! (thank heavens) It was something else that caught me completely off guard. Instead, he told me about a potential baby.
As he unfolded the situation my heart was flooded with emotions and I was fighting so dang hard to hold back the tears. He proceeded to tell me of a sweet and innocent baby boy who might be available to adopt. A BOY. My heart ached for him immediately. The tears came. I couldn't stop them.
Could this be my son?
As the story proceeded I had never felt so much inner conflict...as my head said over and over, no way, this is crazy!! He’s 8 months old. I would have twins essentially! But my heart could not deny what I was feeling and we decided we needed to see this little boy right away. A few hours later we were holding and interacting with a bright blue eyed, happy smiling baby that could very well be our soon to be son.
The night went well and we learned of the sad horrible story of his birth mom who is a heroine addict. The Gma has been taking care of sweet baby J along with her own 4 daughters. I could just feel the love exude from their family and knew baby J was something special. Every second there I tried imagining him in our family and what my life would like that with that reality.
We left feeling confused and shocked and scared about what all of this meant.
I went to bed praying for understanding.
In the morning I awoke and as I laid on the couch my thoughts turned to Lindsay…and no sooner than 5 seconds later I received a text from her! Crazy! She told me how I was on her mind all morning and that she was so thankful she had found our family and how much we meant to her. It was so sweet and precious to me. I love this girl more than words can say! She made my day. As I started to reply back to her I noticed another text on my screen she had apparently sent that I didn’t see. “Embarrassed” and other words on the screen caught my attention and I closed out what I was replying so I could see the full message.
I almost dropped the phone.
I couldn’t believe it.
Her little sister was pregnant.
Thoughts swirled in my brain jumbling everything around and confusing anything that seemed normal at the moment. I couldn’t believe it. I instantly wondered what this would mean for us. Yes, baby immediately came to my mind and I couldn’t help but think that this could be my potential child. But wait, who did I meet last night then? What about baby J? SERIOUSLY? Now TWO babies? What did this mean? What was happening?
Lindsay told me her sister had decided she wanted to pursue adoption. My heart nearly lept out of my chest. She didn’t mention my name though. I didn’t know what to say?? Do I ask? Do I dream? Do I put myself out there? I didn’t say anything, and neither did Lindsay. We left it at that and said we’d see what unfolds.
12 hours later I couldn’t hold it in. I was on the verge of bursting!! I HAD to ask! I sent Lindsay a msg and said…
"I just HAVE to ask…what do you think M will do? Do you think she would even consider us for her adoption?"
Lindsay replied and I could almost hear the audible tones of relief in her voice as I read the words in my head...“Ahhhh, thank goodness I was waiting for you to ask me!! I didn’t want to impose on you guys. I have no idea but think it would be fabulous and amazing and everyone would be stoked if it was a possibility. I wanted to know what you thought so I could talk to M.”
Our convo’s led from one thing to another, and today, June 12 2013, at 6:09 pm we heard that sweet, young M would like to place with us.
It was true. It was confirmed. We get the opportunity to have another baby in our family!! We are so shocked, so unprepared, so excited, so nervous. I can’t believe this is really happening. But it is!
But what about baby J? Why did we have to meet him? Why these two experiences slightly 12 hours apart?
We feel humbled that M wants her baby to be with us, and his/her other two cousins. Wow. These girls have created OUR family. How wild is that!! I’m going to have another baby. Ahhhhh!! I thought I was done and talked myself into being done. Only something as miraculous as this would have to happen in order for us to have another child! And. It. Has. I’m speechless. So grateful and blessed. There were nights I cried and begged for this…and now I cry tears of gratitude because it’s coming faster than I imagined!
Expect the unexpected.
I think that should be my motto.
(Baby J's Gma decided she couldn't bare the fact of parting with him and was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to raise him in their home. Unsure completely why we had to meet him, we have a few personal thoughts we hold on to)
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So since then, we've been planning and preparing for another sweet baby to join our family!! The emotions and feelings have been all over the map. But ultimately we feel so undeniably, incredibly humbled and blessed.
Immediately I was bummed that I had let go of some of my baby things! ahhh. Talk about BAD timing! 10 pairs of baby boy shoes will cost a lot to buy again ;) And as I started to think about what our new baby would be, both Landon and I had the overwhelming feeling that it would be a boy. I immediately moved the bins of clothes and toys back in to storage in safe keeping until I knew for sure what our baby would be.
Days went by and the nerves would be overshadowed with excitement of the idea that once again I could snuggle a baby on my chest and fit them into the bend of my neck. I LOVE newborns and was so excited to think of every precious moment tending and caring for one that would be mine again! And without even a second thought my image was always of a boy! I started getting really emotional about it thinking how thrilled Tanner would be to finally have a brother!! Oh the joy that would be his would make my heart so happy. There's no denying he loves and adores his sisters, but a brother would be so special for him.
Several times at the store I would browse the baby section and before I knew it find myself with an arm full of baby boy outfits!! I would literally have to remind myself that we didn't know what the sex was yet!! Oh yah! I better wait, I would tell myself.
But as the weeks went on I felt even more confident that a precious boy was going to be entering our world. I starting going through the girl newborn clothes I had that Bryelle had outgrown and started listing them for sale on-line since I knew we wouldn't need them again! A few of the nightgowns didn't sale, so I picked my favorite two adorable outfits, some stinkin cute leather shoes and two pairs of adorable booties to sell, because I KNEW they would sell, they were too cute!! And they did...they were gobbled up quickly. It was sad to see them go, but I knew I could buy new fun things for our boy!
The ultrasound date was fast approaching and I was on pins and needles anxious to finally be told our son was created and would soon be in my arms. M invited me to attend the ultrasound and excited is an understatement to how it made me feel!! I have never been through the process with any of my kids or been there for any ultrasounds. So to go to this, meant the WORLD to me!
I was so nervous.
My friend texted me the morning of, expressing her excitement for me, and I again repeated to her, asking why was I so nervous!!!!?
Her reply instantaneously made me weep. It struck my heart and took my by surprise. She said "Um, you're nervous because your gonna see
your baby!!!!!!!"
My baby.
"MY BABY."
Adoption puts me in a place of such vulnerability it makes me feel like I'm dreaming sometimes. Often I feel like it's hard to distinguish reality or truth.
As much as I want to "go there" and trust that this IS reality, the fact is, that reality can quickly and abruptly change.
So to allow myself to let myself go and enjoy this process, is scary. It clouds my vision and the experience is something I can't even describe.
I want to believe. I want to have hope. I want to know that it's all going to work out and that this baby is going to be mine...and I do believe, and I do hope. BUT. I also have to be realistic.
That reality puts me in a place where my joy is somewhat impeded. My excitement is minimally clouded. I can't take FULL ownership of "my baby" because it's not fully MINE!
So when my friend replied, that I was going to see MY baby, it overwhelmed me and for a still small second I did undoubtedly believe without any fear, that yes, that's why I was so nervous because I was going to meet
MY baby.
It felt so good.
It felt right.
And that I did. I met MY baby, growing in someone else's belly.
Hearing someone else's voice.
Feeling someone else's love.
And for that I am forever thankful.
Developing so perfectly, so that I could soon bring her home.
Oh how I already love her so!
YES, it's a GIRL!!
YES, my reaction to that is a whole other story!!!!
