journaled emotions

I wondered if I would live in pain the rest of my life.

Wanting.

Hoping.

My dream of creating a child will never end, and my dream to be a mother breathes. It's amazing how sometimes the pain is what makes us live. It's what drives us. I exist in my pain so I can learn from it...and that pain has turned into something intangibly beautiful I can't describe.

I still have fear.

It's constant.

We are vulnerable to a 20 year old who still has the right to change her mind. I have unremitting anxiety. BUT. I have unwavering faith. I know the Lord has held my hand through every single experience of my life, both joyful and despairing. I KNOW He guides me and that I can handle whatever comes my way. Although I despise certain outcomes...I do have the strength to rise above it.

Such faith was especially confirmed to me last year. After 8.5 years of marriage with infertility we finally felt that in-vitro was right. I always had unsettling feelings about it, but this time...this time it felt GOOD!! I remember rejoicing in the car as the thoughts came to me and I called Landon and told him I thought we should proceed with in-vitro.

(Our 4th IUI had previously failed).

I clearly thought this was our answer. FINALLY. It was about dang time! I dreamt of my belly getting round, my ankles sore and swollen, then wondered what eccentric food cravings I would desire.

I had faith that this was our answer (and come to find out it was an answer, just very different than I anticipated). However, through that surge of encouragement resonating, I stopped. I thought to myself:

"Jill, I think I will get pregnant. But..........What if I don't?

CAN I HANDLE IT?"

I asked myself point blank. I immediately burst into tears. I knew the answer and it scared me to death. I didn't want that answer!!!!

I battled intensely with myself. I wanted a baby. A baby to come from my body. I wanted to feel it.

Please.

Was I really going to be asked to deal with MORE anguish.

Seriously? Walk through the fire again? I didn't know if I could handle more ashes...I felt like I was coming to my "4th watch".

Yet, I knew that if it didn't work, despite all the previous heartache we had formerly suffered, despite all the pain that subsisted in my heart, despite every NO we had ALREADY been told, despite every tear that fell from my weary eyes, despite every fiber of my being fighting for a YES...

I knew that if I got a NO...

I COULD handle it.

I had to.

I had no choice.

It was my duty.

Even as I type this now the tears stream down my face.

I trust the Lord. I know He loves me. I know He is attending to my needs and my desires. I know I am not forgotten. I must keep trusting.

And at this point in time I continue to trust. I trust that whatever happens is what's to be.

My trust doesn't take away the pain, but it overrides.

The Lord can work miracles.

I'm sooooo anxiously waiting for Kambrie to join our family. She will be a sweet spirit I can barely stand to tenderly embrace, protect and love. I already love her. I've longingly waited for her and I hope that it's time.

I'm so nervously excited I can't even stand it!!!!

Kambrie doesn't get to grow in my tummy, but she's been growing in my heart much longer than 9 stinkin' months.

In spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from the difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result... Come what may, and love it.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin