This is my release. You don't have to read. You don't have to comment. If you choose to, that is fine, but don't feel obligated to comfort me. I'm okay. I just need to empty the weight in my bucket, so right now the floodgates are open.
It's been 4.5 weeks of my awesome new healthy lifestyle. The past 2 weeks I've had an insatiable hunger, both physically and emotionally. Because of the physical deprivations it has opened up my spiritual and emotional vulnerability enhancing the emotional hunger my heart craves.
I've been overwhelmed lately. There have been a rash of babies being born everywhere. I am so happy for all my family and friends that are having babies. I'm so grateful their hearts aren't plagued with the pain of infertility. It seems babies are just coming in multiples everywhere...twins to sextuplets and of course the infamous octuplets. It's as though babies are being sent down a slip'n slide coming every which way, but mine. My slide somehow got broken, and as fabulous as it is to see others bask in their joy and excitement, it only reinforces the joy that I continue to miss out on.
I, in no way, intend to make anyone feel bad. I truly am grateful that my friends and family can have the wishes of their hearts...especially my adoptive friends of lately, who have suffered the pain for so long and now welcome their empty arms with sweet angels...
Congrats to LORI, SOMMER, SHELLE, and JANEAL.
They have all recently been blessed through the miracle of adoption. CONGRATS. My heart couldn't be more excited for you!!!!!!!!
Imagine the times you've felt physically hungered to no end...whether you are fasting, you just haven't had time to eat, or whatever reason you have been deprived of food...it undoubtedly affects your mood.
Landon can always tell if I haven't eaten and I'm hungry because I get really snippy and short. He'll demand that I
GO EAT SOMETHING NOW!!
My physical hunger is the same as my emotional hunger. I've been starving for a long time. I can't wait to eat!!!
A beautiful cake has been presented before me, my favorite,
German Chocolate cake.
It is warm, slightly gooey in the middle, the coconut frosting oozes down the sides, and it's baked to perfection. I'm told I can have this cake, it's just for ME and only ME, but then as I lift my fork to eat the piece going into my mouth, I find out that is all I get to taste. It was DELICIOUS, but I want more. How can I stare at this irresistible cake in front of me and not get more?
Everyone around me is eating their cake. They are devouring it without even thinking twice. Some are slowly eating bite by bite and savoring every bit of taste, while others don't even want the cake because it's not the kind they wanted. They wanted a white cake. Others are gorging it, making a mess, not cleaning up after themselves then selfishly walk up to me and smear the remainders in my face. Most everyone else is too involved eating their own cake to wonder how measly lil me might be hurting as I observe. They don't even care how I might feel. They don't take the time to stop and look and if they do they think, she at least got one bite, she should be satisfied. The remaining bunch of very few people are enjoying their cake, but they feel so sorry that I can't have the rest of mine. They are sympathetic and feel hurt that I can't enjoy the cake like everyone else...they wish they could help but don't know how. The only thing they can think to do is turn around so I don't have to watch them eat.
It's so hard for me to listen to parents constantly complain about their kids, neglect them and despise them...and I start to build anger inside because the very thing they can't stand at times is the only thing I want.
I hate when the jealousy, anger and sadness start to swell and overcome my soul because that is what Satan desires to happen. He wants me to be angry and feel injustice. I know that's not right. I'm human and my emotions are real and raw, but they are starting to fester inside and I need to release the beast or it will destroy me. I've got to get out of my funk. That is why I am writing this post. I have put patches over my wounds too many times, trying to be strong...well, I am weak right now. I am breaking. Don't worry though. I've been through this enough times in the last 9 years and I know I'm on the downward slope of the roller coaster. But it eventually propels back up the hill and the top is exhilarating where I'll inhale a breath of fresh air. I will be on that route soon enough, I'm turning the corner.
I just need to validate myself that it's okay to be hurt. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. I have every right to feel the depths of despair as I journey through this life being deprived the fullness of my joy and having the family I desire. I have the best life and am forever thankful for the most amazing husband and son I could ever be given. This doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for what I have. Because I have one child doesn't mean I should be satisfied, I have the right to want more!!
Wanting a child IS a selfish thing. I want a child to fill MY heart...that's pure selfishness. However, I also want a child because I want to GIVE my heart. I want to give the love I have, my time, and energy. I want to give a child everything I've been given in this life...joy, happiness, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, a mother and a father, love unconditional. My heart is bursting at the seams because it has all of this inside for my family, plus even more!!
The past few days have been fun just playing with Tanner. He is an angel. He is perfect for our family and I am actually grateful that it's been just him for now. It's been so fun to focus all our attention on him and bask in every step of his development and personality. I can't imagine having another child that would distract me from enjoying every little detail about him. I just eat it all up. He is so dang cute, smart, sweet, forgiving, goofy, and just plain precious. He's all I ever wanted and he's fulfilled my dreams of being a mom. I can accept my trial in life, and if I am only given this chance to be a mother once, that is what I will trust the Lord thinks is right...but it won't take the pain away of wanting more and I'll never quit longing to LOVE AGAIN. I can love another child. I hope it will happen.
Until then, I will continue trying to band aid the hurt until there's no more band aids to cover my pain...it's a vicious cycle of emotions.
I love my life, I love my family...and I'll focus on them and enjoy the benefits of having one child:
I can give all my time and energy in assisting Tanner to become the best person possible. I can give him my undivided attention and he can then gain the confidence he needs to succeed in life.
I can continue to enjoy my peaceful nights of uninterrupted sleep!!
We have a quiet and peaceful home.
We enjoy fun outings and fabulous family vacations.
I can enjoy every second of his life and every phase he goes through. I won't have to miss out on a thing.
We are the three musketeers.
We are best buddies.
We have each other forever!!!!!!
23 comments:
You're right. You do have a right to want another child. As you know, I hate it when people don't 'get' that. And the worst are the people who smear their chocolate cake in my face. I distance myself from those people. I don't need them or want them in my life. But... I sure enjoy people like YOU... the people who only get a taste and have the humility to see others around them wanting more.
Love you... xoxo
I'm so sorry Jill! I hope I'm not one of those "chocolate smearers" you were referring to. I think you are TRULY one of the strongest people I know! You and Landon have been through so much and you both are just amazing people! Any child would be SO LUCKY to have you as parents! I pray that you are able to get that opportunity again soon! Don't give up hope! I'll definitely keep praying for you guys!
That video of you and Tanner in your post below is so cute! It shows what a great mom you are! I hope I'm HALF THE MOM you are! And HALF the YW president too! I bet your girls just LOVE you! I know I do! Hopefully you guys will come down to Florida soon to visit, the weather has been great! And I have to say, I am TOTALLY JEALOUS of how skinny you (especially now!) If you come down, I definitely wont be standing next to you in my bathing suit :)
Love,
Linds
Jill,
You know exactly how to say the way many of us feel but can't voice it quite as well. I can't tell you how much my heart hurts for you and at the same time relates to your very much validated feelings in this area. Both the good and the not so good of it all, the postive side to being a family of three, a mother of one---it has it's good points like you've shared in here and other times. I seriously love, respect and look up to you Jill and right now as always I hope and pray you will get that "entire cake" soon not just any either the whole "german chocolate cake" you SO deserve and yearn for. Hang in there and know so many of us are thinking of you often and always hoping for the best!!
Jill, I've been deprived of things that I have wanted in my life, but not something so internal and eternal as having a baby. I can't even imagine how it must feel. And how can we understand why? We can't. I remember when my dad was sick and dying and he said that the only one who understood his pain was Jesus Christ. HE is the ONLY ONE. Its ok to be sad, to long for a baby. You have too much love for just one. But with all that sadness, please yoke yourself to Christ so he can help carry the load. Otherwise it will be too much to carry. He will help you endure. You have been so good to look to the Lord through your trials. I know these gut wrenching feelings come in waves and will continue to come. Its very normal, especially for one who has a heart of love. Dad and I love you so much and only want you to have the desire of your heart. I always put your name on the prayer roll at the temple and will continue to pray for greater understanding and enlightenment. If there is a way to have another baby, He will provide it!
Oh Jill, my heart aches for you. I wish there were a way to ease the pain you feel...
Consider yourself hugged.
(((hugs)))
More big hugs to you sent from me. You are amazing and I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.
kar
Oh, Jill! This would be the HARDEST trial to go through and I am so sorry that you struggling. I wish there was something I could do to help! I do have another friend who could probably use your support, as you have gone through it a little longer than her. You two remind me of each other...both spunky and fun and both of you would make wonderful mothers. She has been trying for 2-3 years and her twin is now pregnant with her 2nd child. I can't imagine how hard that would be! Anyway, here is her blog: http://tinyurl.com/br3qwf
My heart hurts for you and your family. You and in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart aches for you. I know the feeling of longing for another child. I too have loved all the one on one time I was able to have with Carter. I wish people wouldn't take their kids for granted. I will keep praying for you and your sweet miracle.
I don't know the reasons why you and Landon have to go through such heartache over the one thing in life you both deserve--as big a family as you want. I think about you all the time. Whenever I am stupid and human enough to complain about the best gift in the world..but bc of you I enjoy it much more and I don't take it for granted. I know that doesn't mean much to you, but I am grateful for you and Lanny and the strength you guys show. Everytime I see someone being a horrible parent, or hear about abuse I think--that child should have been given to someone like Jill! Why not? That is one of my first q's in the next life...AND when I see a pregnant teen and her teen mother friend with her at my Dr's office, I think, "Should I go tell her that I know the perfect family for her baby?" But I don't do that..maybe I should! All I can say is I LOVE YOU! And I loved how you described Tanner and how you are with him! He is lucky--and so are you 2 to have him...We will pray for more, but that is a blessing to have him to focus your motherly attention on. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
Jill,
I have no idea what it is like to want a child. Mine came to me very easy and 2 step kids easy too. But, through you I have found the struggles that so many face that I never even knew. Because of you I have stopped complaining about my pregnancies and I enjoy the moments I had through them.
I am glad you have shared your trials, like so many of us have our own trials and never really let them out. I am really proud to say that I know you.
I'm sorry for your pain, Jill! I hope this part of the roller coaster is a short dip and that the next peak is a long one!
Here are more big hugs for you Jilly! (HUG!) You are right in all you have said. You have so much love to give and have every right to not be satisfied and to want a bigger family. I hope that it can happen for you... there is still time! What mom said was soooooo good. You have to lean on Christ and let him carry your load or you will break. Lean on Him every second. He has promised it will all be worth it! I love you sooooo much and will keep praying for you to be able to grow your family. You are amazing. Thank you for being so open and sharing your thoughts with us.
Love Always, Me
You know anyone who longs for something they don't have in this life understands to some extent what your heart is feeling...and so you know I'm here for you, holding your hand from way too far away and passing you another handful of mini carrots since you are treat-free (oh you are an inspiration!!!) Love you!!!
This was beautifully written Jill. You go ahead and feel everything! That's what helps us heal. :) I'm not going to say the magic words to make you feel better. I know better. Sometimes you just need to hurt and ache and be sad. :) We all love you Jill!
My heart is aching for you, too. I loved your mom's comment about yoking yourself with Christ! You are so normal to have all these feelings and I will never forget your german chocolate cake analogy. Thanks for being honest and open! Hugs to you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Jill, my heart aches for you. I remember going through those same feelings. At the time I was going through infertility treatments, I was working at a low-income, inner city school. I was surrounded by pregnant women every single day. And it wasn't like they wanted their children for the same reason we long for children. They were very open in sharing the fact that with one more child, their monthly assistance check would be larger. It was strictly a business negotiation for them. Much easier than actually joining the workforce. It made me so bitter.
I remember even after my 2nd child was born (5 1/2 years difference between 1st and 2nd born), I would get these overwhelming feelings of jealousy that someone else was pregnant. And then I would look down and see my little Mateo and remember that after all those years of trying, he had finally joined our family.
Another really really hard thing for me was to go to church. I remember we had this "holier than thou" family that moved into our ward. The first Sunday they were asked to speak, they both gave their "multiply and replenish the earth" discourse . . . and then continued to let us all know in the congregation that we are sinners if we didn't have multiple children. I remember sobbing and sobbing while sitting in the pew. And then everytime I saw that couple pass in the hallways of church, I wanted to smack them in the face or punch them in the stomach. They had no idea how much their insensitive comments hurt. If only they knew the pains of infertility.
Big hugs for you.
Jill,
I've never left you a comment but follow your blog often. I want you to know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Because of you and the words and thoughts you share, I am a better Mom. Thank you for being an example to so many and for sharing your voice. You help so many people. I pray that your family will grow and that your desires and dreams will become a reality. Hang in there and know that you are loved.
Jenny Randall Cooper
You made me cry again! You have a way with writing exactly the way we feel it hurts let it out. Seriously that slide is flood gated here too its everywhere! You have the perfect description and we've been there and are there and know how you feel keep it coming vent all you want some of us keep the pain inside and don't have the right words to describe the way we feel and you put it perfectly. love ya!! here is a big hug!!! ttys Sorry you are hurting.
(((hugs)))
Jill,
I have wanted to write something since you posted it but haven't felt like I had the emotional wherewithall to give appropriately to such a personal post.
I have found it interesting since I have become a part or more aware of all the emotions that are out there that go into building a family. I am not in the same posistion as most of the blogs I read or people I know nowadays however I understand so many of the emotions. It is so difficult for me to see those that have what is so sacred not giving it the respect that it so deserves. I feel like you posted so many emotions I am feeling and have felt on and off for 8 yrs as a single parent. I have a hard time when I see people who are married complain or when they have children complain. It pains me cause I would do anything to have a husband by my side. I know that there is no such thing as a family that you don't have to "fight" for so to speak but I relish in the hope and desire to have a family someday that I don't have to wonder if they are going to be legally taken from me or that I chose to place or worry about visitation schedules. I want a family to call my own. Which is odd cause my family is mine and it is what it is. Needless to say it pains my heart to see those that disregard what is so sacred and those that want it so bad cry and plead for it. Sometimes I wonder why people like you have to FIGHT so hard for a family yet I also know that if everyone had to fight for their families maybe more of them would be appreciated. I don't know if I have made sense however I just know that I understand what you posted. I feel it. I am tired of feeling "broken" too. Thanks for sharing.
Jill, you can obviously tell it's been a while since I've gotten back to reading blogs since my last trip. So glad you feel comfortable letting "it" all out...I think that is so healthy. Praying for you!! Love you!
Oh how I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a BIG OL' HUG!!! I know your latest posts say you are doing fine, but I want you to know I feel for you!!!
Your analogy about the cake is SO RIGHT ON. You do have the right to have such a righteous desire, and you do have the right to be sad that it's not working out the way you planned. I really, really, really wish there was something I could do to fix this.
I think you're better at expressing your pain from infertility. I think I just bury mine, and then it comes out unexpectedly at times--like when I went to a new dr. for the annual women's wellness check and had to verbally give my health history. I just started crying for no reason (okay--there was a reason) but I was just so surprised that the emotions were so close to the surface. I mean I've adopted 4 PERFECT kids and thought i had moved on...but I guess that stuff lingers!
Hang in there Jill. I just think you're awesome and I want you to know that! =)
I know this was awhile ago, but even though I've been behind on my blog reading/commenting, I just wanted to send you a big hug. And thank you for sharing such painful, personal, feelings in such an honest & open way. I don't know what God has in store for you and your family but I do know for sure that He is with you on this journey. Keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers!
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