calm between the storms

We are so ready for winter to be over! I hate the dark, cold, depressing aura of winter. Yet there is beauty in it too, in the glimmer of a snowflake, or the enveloped warmth from a sip of hot chocolate that travels all the way through you!

But nothing replaces the happiness and joy that sunshine brings.
The kids took advantage of a 2 hr reprieve during a rainstorm Sunday. They ran out the second the downpour stopped. PJ's and rain boots were suffice. It was my little reprieve too :)

I love Tanner's creations.  He never ceases to amaze me at his produced imagination and creations he brings to life!  This was a fun, unique birds nest.  They adorned it with live worms at all, eager and anxious to feed a hungered bird!!!  Oh so cute.

Too bad as soon as they got done, the storm came back and swept it away.  Oh well, another activity to re-do tomorrow!!

This face makes me melt!

a Hero and an Angel

Daddy came home!  We all sang the HALLELUJAH chorus.

Landon was gone in LA for 7 complete days.  They were long exhausting days being a single mom because Bree has been extra fussy lately (just started her on zantac but wonder if she's lactose intolerant) and Kam has been super defiant and pushing every boundary.  So it was a tough week without any support from daddy that we count on and love!

He has showed me redemption though. 

He is going on another trip again, to New York next month.  Seriously!?  But this time I'm fine with it because he is taking ME!!  I'm so stoked, I can't wait.  We're taking Bree and I'll be in NYC for over a week.  It's going to be so dang fun.
I'm thankful for my hubs and that he wants me to tag along and is allowing us to go a few days early.  And I'm especially thankful for my three amazing friends who are dividing the time up and taking Tan and Kam while we are gone!!!

And part 2 is that he took the kids for the weekend to play in Branson.  Bree is here with me, but I'm hoping to get a little extra rest, clean the house, and run some errands without lugging the kids around...and of course do a little photoshoot of my angel.  I can not get enough of her!  She is so so beautiful.  Love my little bundle :)

  

Who cares?

I am really struggling.  Kambrie is working me over and making me feel like a mad woman!  I wish I didn't let her control my emotions so much!

I care.

Landon's been gone 6 days.  Bree is fussy.  Kam is disobedient.  I am so frustrated.  I just feel depleted.

I care.

I tried to implement Super Nanny's techniques tonight when Kam decided to start a game of "get out of your bed a million times" which is a stupid game and I HATED it.  She came out at least 28 times.  I was patient at first and did the noverbal crap, no eye contact stuff until I just couldn't take it anymore because in between each of my release's of the handle as the door closed behind me, I'd run back up stairs to Bryelle's aid and try to get her back to sleep or wipe up her throw up.  I didn't have the time or energy to play the 1-2 hr game I knew this could end up being.  I took all of Kam's stars away she's been earning this week.  I took away her bunny she was sleeping with. Nothing seemed to motivate or scare her into stopping her behavior.  I was "mean mommy" as she so kindly referenced me.

Needless to say I was angry and frustrated and had a nice little cry session with myself.  Then I got angry and frustrated AGAIN, at myself!  Why can't I be the calm, sweet, reassuring parent in the moment of heat.  I hate when I get upset.  HATE it.  So now I'm frustrated with myself.  Parenting is so freaking hard.  It wears me out.  And I sit here wondering why is it so exhausting?

Because I care.

I care about my kids feelings.  I care that they'll learn how to be angry now because they see me display it.  I care that I want my children to be obedient and happy and it breaks my heart when they make bad choices and are disobedient.  I care for their happiness and well-being.  I care about them and know they deserve a good mom, a patient mom, and a forgiving mom and sometimes I don't give them that.  I care.

That's why parenting is so hard.  I care.  I could be one that doesn't put my kids on a schedule and they can go to bed when they want and be over tired and under functioning and I wouldn't have to give a lick about that stupid game above.  I could be one that let's them be slobs and not teach them how to clean up after themselves and they can grow up to be lazy people that others are disgusted by.  I could be a parent that doesn't give them affirmations, or touch them and show them love they deserve.  I could be a neglectful selfish parent and only worry about myself.  But I'm not.
I fall short all the time, but I get back up and try again.  I ask for their forgiveness and I try again the next day hoping it might be a little better than the last :) 

I love my kids.  I care so deeply.

into the clouds

I've been in a mom funk lately.  And why is that?  Well, lots of things are weighing on me...

Three kids is currently kicking my butt.  I'm calling a BULL CRAP to the liars that say three is easy.

My three year old daughter has decided to be Satan's spawn instead of mine.  Is it okay to not like your child?  Of course I love her and can't live without her, but sometimes I  really don't like her...okay, I guess I should say I don't like her ACTIONS.  She's just downright NAUGHTY.  I can elaborate.  But, I'm tired.

I miss my family.  It SUCKS not having any family close by.  I just want my mommy sometimes!  I want to chat with my dad.  I want to hang with my sisters and let the cousins play.  I want to see them if I want to!!  (yes bro, i love you too and want to hang!)  Did I mention it SUCKS!!!!

I am sick of winter and desperately need a vacation.  Or a beach.  Okay, maybe just some sunshine and warmth will suffice.

My baby has reflux, I'm pretty sure, and spits up ALL the time making everything a mess.  She still doesn't sleep through the night and I. AM. TIRED.

Landon's job is so busy and stressful on us all.  He is gone all the time and I am not cool being a single mom who is married.  It is really hard.  And it's hard on him too.  Boo.  He is incredible.

My house is a disaster.  Seriously.  This is not just one of those mommy comments we all say daily, but it is big time disorganized and a mess!  It started with rearranging every bedroom for sweet baby B to come, and it is taking forEVER.  It's causing this intangible tension in my world.

I'm Primary Pres and still feel so discombobulated.  Don't have the reigns in control yet.

The cyber world is controlling.  There are too many distractions that entice me.

Being a stay at home mom is just plain exhausting.  Nuff said.

I feel overwhelmed with many things and don't have my priorities set.  I know I am the only one that can change things.  I can change the structure of my days.  I can change the thought processes in my mind.  And I can change my perspective.

Change is hard.

I'm hoping and PRAYING (lots and lots) that a new normalcy can soon happen.  We can all gel together, the babes will start sleeping, Kams will start listening and obeying, the house will be immaculate...okay okay, so maybe I need to lower my expectations ;)

Until then, to maintain my sanity, and eliminate my guilt, I have to remind myself...I WANTED THIS.
In fact, this is ALL I EVER WANTED.  This is the life Landon and I have fought SO dang hard for.
I do love it and I wouldn't change a thing.  It's just the hardest freaking thing I've ever done.  I know a few working mothers who say being a stay at home mom is a cake walk.  That pisses me off.  Oh how that gets my blood boiling.
That's a whole other blog post.
Anyways, I'm trying to find the balance I need in my life to keep my cup full, yet be able to fill all of my family's first.  I'm so in love with my children, and love my husband so fiercely it hurts.  They are my world, they bring me joy (amidst the tears ;) and they are the reason I wake every day (because they jump in my bed).  But for reals.  This IS the life I craved, dreamed and sacrificed for.  It's real, it's here, it's mine.  I don't ever want to forget that or deny that.  But reality is, it's hard.

I'm grateful for little whisperings in my heart of these truths, for the hugs and "you're my special mommy" comments that are my reminders, and for the tender mercies of just holding each child in my arms every single day and sharing those moments that are essential for our growth!

I was in desperate need of finding this again, and didn't even know it.

This is my impromtu journal on my Southwest ticket holder. The pages of the trifold, completely filled up.  It was from back in May of 2012 when I had just dropped off the kids in Utah with my parents and was on my way to Mexico to relax, be lazy on the beach, have an amazing 7 days with just the hubs and friends...it was a little escape from reality and a beautiful blessing in so many ways.  But I love the lucidity of my thought process as I left, and am just grateful for every experience I get in this life!

I was eager for an escape of the mundane home life...yet this picture is evidence that my munchkins are always on my mind (pre-Bryelle).  (one night in Mexico I lost it and just broke down in tears because I was so eager to talk to them and the internet and phone connection were so hard to access.  My heart was aching so badly to have an interaction. My children are my life!)

The words I scribbled here were triggered from previously beginning to read the book "Heaven is Here" by Stephanie Nielsen.  Her words and story pulled at every heart string I had.  I felt so connected to her in many ways as she too was a Utah girl who had moved and longed to be back.  She loved musicals as I do, she loved living in Provo and seeing the Y on the mountain as I did, she had dreams of marriage and then found her husband with whom she was obsessed with, as I too am!  So many other things made me feel like a part of her, and as I imagined myself now accepting her trial the sting of her reality was almost too much to bare.  I cried and cried as I turned her pages.
Her book was life changing for me.  And at times when I feel beat down by the weight of my burdens, I think of her and find strength and inspiration.  Her tragedy was not in vain and she has blessed so many lives by sharing her story.  I would love to personally thank her one day.  It shifts my perspective back to where it should be, and I count my blessings that I HAVE children and that I can take care of them in a healthy and stable body.  And that I owe all of my being to them.



May 21, 2012.  7:05 pm.
I sit here on an airplane about to ascend into the abyss of the iridescent blue sky.  Gazing between the window panes, I examine the majesty of the mountain I've longingly missed being away from, and the pages of a book that have already gripped my heart with only the prologue.  Tears well in my eyes as my thoughts turn to the peace and freedom I feel at the moment and the blessing to have such clarity of thought.  I miss my two little munchkins that I left behind bouncing on grandma and grandpa's trampoline blowing good-bye kisses in the wind as I bid farewell to the next 9 days without them.

I can't help but imagine my life like the words I read on this page...what if too, my plane crashes (reference to Heaven is Here),  What if I dont return to say family prayers, and tuck each child into bed.  What if I can't touch them again, or hear them sing their made up songs to me, or try to interpret the broken English from a 2 year old still learning, "I lu lu lub you mommy!"

I reflect on the goodness of my life and the bounteous blessings I've been afforded.  I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, all which are miraculous experiences I've been a part of in this lifetime.  Just the past 48 hours have been spectacular and my cup overflows.  I just spent the weekend with my parents and hung out with my mom, saw my aging grandmother, and played with my sisters.  Truly cherished moments.  I've watched my children giggle and enjoy their cousins and now I get to go travel with my husband and focus on our relationship, knowing my kids will be loved and well taken care of in the trusting arms of my parents. 

I hold on to every precious gift and recognize where much is given, much is required.  I am "given" much and now must DO.

I'm grateful to read about the gratitude Stephanie has even amidst the most tragic and difficult experiences one can endure in this lifetime.  To feel the daily pain and suffering she lives with seems incomprehensible.  Yet she still yearns to care for her children, and finds gratitude in the tears of her pain.  She has transformed my thoughts and opened my heart to a greater perspective and appreciation.  I'm so thankful she chose to share her story.

These doses of quiet joy, sitting alone on this flight, may be brief but the effects are long lasting.  This journey into the clouds has fueled me.  I'm so grateful for peaceful moments, for these are the lifelines of the Spirit.  This is how we connect.

the movement begins

Bryelle rolled over tonight!!!!

It was so awesome.  

I layed her on the floor and went into the bedroom to get a diaper and came back to see her on her stomach.  Tanner was in the living room finishing homework and we both erupted in cheers and laughter.  It was awesome!  I placed her back on her back to see the work in action, and we continued to scream with excitement as she raised her legs to her belly, turned and thrust her body over and rolled on to her belly.  YAY!!!  

It was so so cute. 

Captain of the skull heads

Skull head jacket, blanket, pants, shoes.

Don't let this fool you though.  He TRIES to be tough, but is a mushy hearted sweet boy!  lol.

And I was the mom that was never going to allow guns, knives, pirates, cowboys or anything of the dangerous sort into his mind or our house...

Hmmmm.  

And now he's the captain!

Yes, enter at YOUR own risk.  He's a mess!!

Boys will be boys.  He is a slob, he likes pirates, but he has the biggest heart ever!!! 

LOVE my Tan man.

Don't worry...there are temple pictures on the other wall!

 

rough housing

Are you ready for some football!!??

KAM IS!

I actually think she NEEDS to play when she gets bigger.  She is such an aggressive and rough girl, football might be good to kick her butt and let her kick other butts!!

And now a little bronco riding!

Yes.  That is a sad picture.  Yes.  They are both crying.

 It's all fun and games until someone collides with another!!

They were on the opposite side of each other and both jumped at the same time to get on the bronco (daddy's back) and 
SMACKED heads!  OUCHIE!

Tears and bruises erupted.  Then they went back for more rides.

Tough cookies.