Mom and dad:"Yep, A-doption! Just like you are adopted!
You are so special!!"
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We have always been open with Tanner about his adoption. We have pictures and books we've made of his birth and talk openly about his birth mom. We love her SO MUCH! Tanner is still young and doesn't fully understand the magnitude of adoption or all it entails, but he is gaining a better understanding of it.
Before we adopted Kambrie we would talk about things and try to explain how he was adopted. Then he would turn to me and say "mom, you're adopted too!"
I would tell him no and try to explain it again.
But now that he has witnessed first hand the adoption process with Kambrie I think it is clicking more in his brain. He really loves Kam's birth mom too and likes to talk about her. It was good for him to see Lindsay pregnant and know that is where Kambrie came from.
Being open is almost absolutely critical for an adopted child. Openness gives the child a sense of wholeness. I know a lot of adoptive parents get nervous about this aspect though. However, my husband's profession is working with teenagers and the majority of them have been adopted and many of them have severe issues, questions and doubts...about who they are and where they came from.
The birthfamily is a part of who your child is.
Open adoption allows you to know your child better by knowing his/her birthfamily.
I believe it is good for the adopted child to know his birthparents as they are, rather than create a fantasy birthparent. Instead of spending countless hours conjuring up an image of a person they do not know, they can use that energy for other things.
There's an analogy about what it must be like to be an adopted child.
A metaphor you have probably heard before, is like finding missing pieces to a puzzle.
Try and put a puzzle together but...you don't have all the pieces!
I was actually cleaning Tanner's room TODAY and he had puzzle pieces all over the room so I was positioning the puzzle back together and there are 5 missing pieces. It doesn't look right unfinished and it's driving me crazy! Seriously.
I want to finish the puzzle!
Wouldn't that bug you too!? It's not complete. It's not whole. It's not finished. You want to complete the puzzle, just like a child needs to know their background and find those missing links that can help them develop a better sense of who they are and give them confidence.
Another analogy is like walking into a movie late.
Isn't that the worst!!?
I hate missing the beginning scenes.
You are constantly guessing what this scene means, or that scene meant because you didn't see the beginning story line and you're often wondering how each part fits together. In the end you can make a pretty good conclusion, but you still don't have the complete details and answers you want.
Such is like adoption.
Imagine, if you are not adopted yourself, the curiosity you would have to find out who and what the person is like that gave you LIFE! Often the adoptive child isn't seeking to find "their real parents" or replace us as adoptive parents...they just want answers!
And it makes complete sense.
A child is more likely to ask questions about his parents if the adoption is open and might want to establish a connection with them, which again could threaten the adoptive parents' sense of security.
BUT. I repeat, BUT...it's not about US!
Open relationships often result in the adoptive parents feeling ambivalent about their role as parents. In this situation, communication is key to build trust and honesty between the two sets of parents. Open adoptions should not be based on making the adults involved comfortable; which is what most parents base their decision on...but rather it should be about providing for the needs of the child.
I think if you ask most adoptive parents, they are nervous about this aspect. The majority of us have waited YEARS to have children and now that our time is finally here, allowing that vulnerability in our lives and opening the door to another set of parents to our children that could "potentially" replace our role can be absolutely nerve wracking. There's no doubt in my mind that most
adoptive parents have had these thoughts!
However, I believe that most birth parents do not in any way want to replace us!
They made the decision the first time to place their child with US and that is what they desire to remain! I hate to speak for birth parents, because I don't know how they feel...but I would imagine they would appreciate the acceptance of having their birth child desire to know about them, but never want to interject or be seen as the
primary or "real" (as people often refer to them as) parent.
It's such a touchy subject,
but personally for me, I feel so blessed to have such amazing birth mom's and families and I want my children to learn of them and personally know them if and when the time allows for a relationship!
(if that is what they desire)
I think it can be an amazing blessing for us all.
In marriage, a spouse accepts his or her in-laws because he or she realizes that they are an important part of who his or her spouse is. In open adoption, the adoptive family and birthfamily make a commitment to stay in contact because they also realize that the birthfamily is an important part of who the child is. As with in-laws, relationships vary. Some open adoption relationships develop into friendships while others are more distantly involved. All, however, recognize that they are family to one another,
and important in the life of the child.
We ♥ adoption.
I still feel in shock sometimes when I think about my family and the beautiful process we've gone through to get our children. I never never ever never thought this would be the route my family came through. But I feel so lucky to have these experiences and see the hand of God work in my life. I am so glad I have two beautiful angel birth mom's that get to be a part of our lives forever!!
Adoption is the most amazing miracle!
I found an article below that has some more informative things to think about. Each adoption is different and each relationship...and overall you must do what is best for your child, but I believe being open and honest is the most healthy.
I LOVE ADOPTION!
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Six Hurdles for the Adopted Adolescent
Although not all teens dwell on each of the subjects described below, it is common for teens to grapple with each area as they try to gain understanding of their personal adoption experiences.
•REASON FOR ADOPTION -Children are extremely curious about their adoption story, but they seem to accept most of the answers they are given. Sometimes adoptive parents sweeten the story or omit painful details. But, in adolescence, the tone of questioning changes. Adolescents demand fuller and more factual answers, and often respond with anger. As more critical thinkers, they refine their earlier vague questions into the very personal exploration of the question, "Why did my birthmother and birthfather leave me?"
•MISSING OR DIFFICULT INFORMATION - Adopted children often have to face the reality that there is information they would like to know, but it may be unobtainable. They may say, "I don't know what my birthparents looked like. I don't even have a picture of them." And they may ask questions like: "Why was I abandoned?" or "Do I have any brothers or sisters?" Adolescents want definite information about why and how they came to be relinquished as well as concrete facts about the people who brought them into this world.
•DIFFERENCE - Feeling different from peers is the worse curse of adolescence. Adoptees may have a different appearance than their adoptive family, or may be a different race or cultural background and may feel different from peers who are being raised in biologically related families. Negative feelings about these differences can affect a child's sense of self-worth and security with his adoptive family. Parents may often minimize the power of the outside world's bias, and so they have no idea of the depth of racism their child is experiencing.
•PERMANENCE - Adopted children are at risk for developing maladaptive beliefs about the security of the relationship with their parents. They think, "I've lost one set of parents; I could lose another." This is especially true of those who have experienced multiple moves prior to adoption. Some adopted children go to great lengths to test their parents' commitment, often without awareness of their own motivation. Fear of separation may inhibit the adopted teen's ability to achieve emancipation from parents.
•IDENTITY - A major task of the adolescent is to form an identity. Peers assume increasing importance in this process, but this does not alter the fact that the identity core evolves from the family. It is not surprising that adolescence is a time when heightened desire to search for birthparents surfaces. Adopted adolescents, in their search for self, reactivate in the adoptive parents the powerful realization that the birthparents do exist. Telling your teen about the similarities you see between yourselves can be an invaluable exercise for adoptive parents. Teens are amazed by their parents' perceptions and feel a stronger sense of bonding as a result.
•LOYALTY - All adopted children ponder the existence and character of their birthparents at sometime in their lives, no matter what the adoptive experience. Many experience guilt related to these thoughts and feelings. Fearing the disapproval of their parents, adopted teens may hide their feelings and struggle alone. Teens and parents must realize that thinking about birthparents does not mean they love their parents any less. "I am so afraid to tell my mom that I think about my birth mom," said Amy, a 16-year-old. "In the past when I mention this to her, she acted upset. I love her and don't want to hurt her."
I can't wait to be with my mom and sisters and attend some motivational classes to fill up my emotional and spiritual cup!!
