I love the song playing on my playlist by Lady Antebellum.
It is so good!
It's especially hit a cord with me as I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
Here are some of the words they sing that convey the way I've been feeling:
You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet
Find the strength to rise above
You will find just what you're made of
I'm finding out I'm much stronger than I EVER thought.
In the last 2 months I've drafted 2 different posts announcing that we were going to have another baby. Obviously, they have not been published.
I have so many thoughts rumbling through my head I don't know how to transcribe them. Every night the past 2 months I've gone to bed thinking something different.
I feel like I've been on
infertility overload.
preface:
The day I was given the most definitive answer for our infertility in the past 8 years was only 3 months ago.
The day I was told my body would almost certainly never be capable of creating a child was an underestimated, overwhelming day of utter exhaustion. I thought I was going to the hospital to be told we had success and were on the right road! I was blindsided. I felt deceived. It had to only be an illusory feat on the doctors behalf? The ultrasound was not what we had anticipated. I had taken double and triple doses of medications to increase our chances of making this work. I was both physically and emotionally spent. Landon was hundreds of miles away as I sat all alone in a cold medical office on a small unwelcoming chair. I felt like excessive amounts of boulders were crushing on top of my heart almost pulverizing it. I bathed in my overflowing tears, gasping for breath as the doctor took the cell phone from my hand and gently explained the news to Landon because I could not get the words to form out of my mouth. As she returned the phone to my possession Landon's broken voice repeated in sobbing tones
"I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry."
His cries penetrated my heart even more as I heard his emotion and we mourned in unison at a loss we never had, but hoped we would someday know.
We decided to give one last try in hopes for our dream still to come true. In-vitro would be no benefit, but an insemination could be probable.
After an innumerable amount of pregnancy's tests in 8 years, two weeks later, as reliable as always, we were told once again the only answer I've physically ever known.
NO.
In that moment of pain, failure, heartache and discouragement I felt love, peace, serenity and an unfamiliar response of happiness. I wasn't able to wallow in my loss too long, because my sadness was overtaken with HOPE and I knew our blessing would come a different way and would be in a different answer. My grief was short because the day I found out was the day of our ward temple trip. It was a blessing. I don't think the timing of life events are always coincidental! I had the Spirit as my constant companion and the guidance from being in the temple that Holy day. What better place to be in than the Lords house and to feel his LOVE during such an intense experience.
We now had a new answer of HOPE and were ready to take the steps to start the surrogacy process with my oldest sister (this being only 2 months ago). She unselfishly offered to carry a child for us, since I could not do it myself. I felt such peace in my heart and overwhelming excitement to think of the possibility that this could really happen. What better person to share the title of "mother" with than my own sister. Landon and I couldn't deny our feelings that this was the right path to pursue. I would cry in an instant second whenever I thought about it! I was in such awe that my sister would really offer such a HUGE sacrifice for us. It was and still is incomprehensible to think about.
Some of my recent posts about having my sister come to town...were for this reason! She was coming out to do the procedure, to try and get pregnant for us.
We've done it twice.
Both failed.
Our family has been in shock. I have been in shock. I have been angry. I've almost felt betrayed. I really thought this was our answer. Like I said...I have 2 different posts in draft announcing a baby coming to our family.
I've been quite confused. I'm hurt. I'm so exhausted.
As Landon and I cried together last weekend at the news of our second failed attempt we talked about our future. I think I have been COMPLETELY BLINDED to what our answer might be. Landon explained to me that maybe God's will for us may only be one child...or maybe His will for us right now is to at least be willing to accept that as the answer.
I honestly was dumbfounded when he said that.
I thought, no way, our answer can NOT be an
absolute NO.
I will not accept that. That is not right. I have a pit in my stomach thinking about the possibility of only having one child in this entire lifetime. I cried more tears.
Then as I started to ponder more on this, I thought it might very possibly be my new reality.
But I'm not ready to be a stay at
home mom with no children at home
(because I really don't want to go back to work).
To never feel again the smooth skin of my baby's cheek pressed up to mine rips my heart to pieces.
I can't imagine never rocking a baby to sleep in my arms again while softly humming my favorite lullaby's.
I'm not ready to let go of my dream.
I'm sooooooooo grateful for the one opportunity I've had thus far with Tanner. I love him more than anything. It has been more than amazing...but it went (and is going) too fast. I want to do it again. PLEASE!
I have the love in my heart.
It is there, and it's waiting!
Yet I know whatever His will is, I must accept. But how will I ever be able to let go of what
I think I need is best for me?
Then I realize in saying that statement I'm being selfish.
Although it is a pure request, and righteous desires...It's not about ME.
It's about accepting the Lord's will and accepting what He has planned for me. It's about loving Him first.
The immediate story that came to me to help me conceptualize this was the Bible story of Abraham and Isaac. This story has always been very personal to me. I cry almost every time I read it, study it, or think about it. I want to have the faith of Abraham. I think that is what God wants me to have.
Abraham is honored not only for his willingness to give up to God what he loved the most in this world, his son (whom he waited for 100 years), but to also continue to trust God, who had promised to make him a great nation through his seed.
Why would God ask him to sacrifice his son when he had promised him his descendants would ultimately comprise many nations?
How could this come to pass if his son was sacrificed?
Abraham did NOT know but he trusted God would fulfill his promise anyway.
He didn't ask, question or complain when he was told to sacrifice his son. He trusted completely. He was seconds away from taking his son's life, in sacrifice as the Lord had asked him...
SECONDS.
I shutter to even comprehend what he must have felt in that moment. What AMAZING faith.
I am not there yet. I hope one day I can. For now I will try my hardest to arrive at that place...a place of unwavering trust which must also feel like incredible peace. I'm starting to feel that peace.
I do know as the song says that every heartache makes you stronger...just keeping holding on...one day you will.
I'll just keep holding on because I know I will understand it all...
ONE DAY I WILL!
(and I'm sure it will be even better than my dreams!)
Curd is not an appetizing word..but they ARE good
especially dipped in Ranch!
Tanner was in a cheesy mood too, eating Cheddar cheese Sunchips.
But I also had my chocolate...I LOVE hot chocolate.
